It was late. Real late. The house was quiet and I was laying there staring at the ceiling, doing that thing where your brain decides it's time to bring up every dumb decision, every weakness you thought you were past, every reason you should be further along than you are.
Same loop I've run a hundred times. Maybe its a post 40 thing, or stress induced, or that a dumb snow storm has my wife stuck in Atlanta. You choose. You are probably right.
Well, I kept thinking about something the apostle, Elder Jeffrey R. Holland, said years ago that I've never really been able to shake. He talked about how God loves mercy. Like actually loves it. Not just allows it. Not just puts up with us asking for it again. It's His favorite thing to do.
That hit me hard laying there in the dark, because if that's true, then the way we talk to ourselves makes no sense. Man, we are brutal with ourselves.,,
We act like we're wearing out our welcome with God. Like we've asked for forgiveness one too many times. Like He's gotta be rolling His eyes when we show up again with the same stuff. We assume there's some invisible line we're about to cross where mercy runs out and disappointment takes over.
But that's just not how this works. It can't be. The Atonement of Jesus Christ isn't some delicate, fragile vase that must be handled with care. It doesn't say, "Okay, but this is the last time." It was built for repeat visits and maybe even obsessive use of it. It is built for all people as we mess up, get up, mess up again, and still keep turning back.
And here's the part that I needed to hear that night, and maybe you do too:
Sometimes we're not waiting on God to forgive us. We're the ones refusing to let Him. We deny ourselves mercy and call it accountability. We sit there and hang onto shame and pretend it's humility. We keep punishing ourselves long after Christ already paid for it.
At some point, that's not being disciplined. It's just straight up not trusting Him.
So yeah, this song came out of that moment. Laying there. Tired. Honest. Realizing we needed to stop arguing with God's Mercy and just let Him do what He actually wants to do. Which is show mercy. Over and over.
If you're reading this and you're stuck in that same late-night headspace, here's the reminder I needed:
Stop denying the Lord the chance to be merciful to you. Just quit it. He loves you way too much for that.
That's the heart of this song.
